Height of Delusion and Fantasy

Lately I feel like I have been blindfolded for years and someone just took it off. Or at least had very bad eyesight and I didn't know it until someone forced me to wear eyeglasses. I'm all, well hey isn't the world a colorful place and everything's just in focus? But no, it's not really like that.

It's more like seeing something in a whole new way, you know. When I was a kid (and this is a gross example) my brother and I found this rubbery thingie individually wrapped and in different colors. We opened one and unrolled it (you probably know where this is going) and thought it was a balloon, although a little slimy. So we blew up several of those and decorated the house with it. It was a little irritating that the balloons were too thin; they would pop on a tiny little splinter.

Of course, years later we eventually discovered that they were actually balloons for penises, and it was an incredible parenting flaw that our parents let us blow those up and act like we were staging a dirty bridal shower where the highlight of the night is a gyrating thonged man named Joebert.

So my point is (and I was actually building up to one, believe it or not) I used to see condoms as innocent playthings. They were just there lying around, not to be taken seriously. Fast forward to, well, I can't say exactly when I started to be conscious about birth control because that would be TMI. Let's just say that now I think condoms are very very serious things and you never know when you're going to need them. And I say this with the fervent hope that none of my elderly relatives are reading this, most of all our great aunt who is a nun living in the Vatican.

How I ended up talking about condoms and be-thonged men named Joebert I don't know. All I know is there are people in our lives who are just there in the background for like forever, and you don't see them as anything other than as a background for your fabulous life. No, my life isn't fabulous. Not right now, anyway. Then some things happen and gears just click in your empty little head where the lone hamster on the wheel is overworked, and suddenly this person gets to be {insert your pick of celebrity here, but mine is Steve Carell} who hogs all the spotlight.

It's not the worst thing to happen actually. The worst thing would be if you can't do anything about it, because you're too tardy to the party. At the back of my mind I hope this is only a phase, please let it be only a phase, because I know myself too well and I have phases of delusion. I might want it so badly now but I'm sure there will come a time when I will not want it. I am waiting for that time.

It's the guys that can make us laugh.